Where does the friendship go?
I’m not sure that this blog is work related but when you get words going around in your head, I find I just need to get them out so I have. This year has been pretty shit so far in all honesty. And I’m an upbeat kind of person but my goodness, 2020 is testing me and I’m under no illusions that I’m the chosen one as I look around and it’s testing quite a few people I know, and I love. Last year I lost 3 friends (not in a tragic way!) just 3 important friendships ended for various reasons. And then yesterday as I sat holding my Mums hand as she sobbed at her best friends funeral, (I’d done the same thing at her another very good friends funeral 4 years ago) I suddenly felt this huge loss on behalf of my Mum and for my Mum. She is losing friends which happens over time I know, and with my Nana living to be 101 years old, I fear in another 25 years, she will have very few friends. So, what happens to friendships that die, for whatever reason? And where does the love go?
At yesterdays service the vicar talked about internal life and the resurrection, and love going with the person who had passed, not sure what I believe but whatever your choice religiously, spiritually is fine. If it helps you and doesn’t harm anyone else, that is absolutely great. But it leaves a massive void for the people left behind. I text my Uncle last night to say I’d got home safely, and he replied saying he was having a beer and 2 mini pork pies for his tea. I laughed and knew my Auntie (you know the sort of Auntie who isn’t your blood Auntie but is your parents best friend and therefore your chosen family) would have a few words to say about his tea but I knew that was what he needed, plus I saw the doggy bag being put together at the wake! Married for 50 years and him & the dog left in a really big house, keeping each other company, so what if he has pork pie for tea? As he rebuilds his life, so does my Mum and who does my Mum turn to for friendship? She didn’t choose to walk away from her best friend of 50 years, and she’d give anything to pick up the phone to her and arrange the next get together which always involved crisps and bubbles at 5pm!!
So why do people then walk away when they have the choice to stay put and sort it out? When sitting down and asking how they can help or listening to the other person is an option, why isn’t this chosen more often? To think, wow, you were a big part of my life for so long, but I choose to change that, why would someone do that? Because as my Mums mascara ran down her face and I watched my Dad silently sob on another row (the joys of having divorced parents!), their faces said it all. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. It’s too short to send texts to people who never respond. It’s too short to ask for help and people say they’re too busy or “I don’t want to get involved”. It’s too short for people to be insensitive repeatedly and for you to put up with it. It’s too short to support people in their life and for them to not ask if you’re OK. It’s just too god damn short. Maybe the friendship was never two way and therefore it was never truly there. Because when it is, it leaves a massive hole that feels too big to fill. And day by day, the pain fades and people you didn’t realise cared, step up. And they make you think twice about friendships and you realise that those are the true friends and the hole gets smaller, the pain eases and you take care of yourself a little bit more. And whilst you’d give anything to have that person back in your life, there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first a little bit more. We all need to, but not at the detriment of those really important people. So make time for the true friends, reply to that text message you’ve not, make a phone call to say hello, send a postcard, do whatever to let the important people know that they are important. Because blowing a kiss at a coffin is heart-breaking to watch but I know that these 2 best friends had the time to say their goodbyes and tell each other how much they valued their friendships. Not everyone gets that luxury so don’t fall asleep on an argument, phone to apologise for being snappy and look up more. See the cloudless skies, feel the sunshine on your back and eat that piece of cake, or that porkpie for tea! Whether it’s personally or professionally, don’t ever settle. Move forward and move forward with no regrets, but always with your head held high.
Email: jo@winhurstrecruitment.co.uk
Tel: 0115 975 6513
@winhurstrec