I am one of the women who has had “those thoughts”.

And I was so ashamed for so long. I tried to hide it, but people thought I was just being miserable. I painted a happy face and carried on but felt exhausted from it all which just exacerbated my feelings. And I will bet my bottom dollar that the person who contributed significantly to it, would say I was lying. That I never did have those thoughts. That I was saying it for attention. That I had choices. That I should have got help.

Well, I am here to tell you when you are in such a dark place, even the easiest of things feel the equivalent of climbing a mountain. You cannot think, your brain is not functioning how it should be and there is no other way to describe it. You cannot process your thoughts, your feelings, you cannot rationalise with how you are feeling. You think you are going insane. That is how it felt for me 10+ years ago, fact. And I imagine people reading this are either nodding their head or shaking their head. Well, I am past caring what people think. I am over watching other people’s harsh words destroy other people’s mental health. If someone says that is how they feel, the likelihood is that is how they feel. And who is anyone to say that isn’t true? Just because you cannot see it or feel it, does not mean it is not true. If someone says that is how they feel, that is how they feel.

And yes, I am thinking of a very real situation that has come to light this week. And one despicable “journalist” who continues to bully someone he has not spoken to for years. This morning I stood outside my house with my neighbours, and we paid our respects to a neighbour of ours who made her final journey. I can only pray and hope she finds the peace she deserves and desperately could not find in this life. For months & months, we tried to help her and when we witnessed the inevitable 7 weeks ago, it broke our hearts. But it united our neighbourhood even more and we will look out for each other always. When someone says that they are fine, what does their body language tell you? If someone says that they are not fine, what one thing can you do to help? We are not talking grand gestures, we are talking about making a phone call, putting a note in the post / through the door, drop them a text, anything. You never know, it could change their whole day and as a result, their whole outlook on life.  

So, unless you understand mental health (I still think the wording of this is so wrong) I would invite you to a) button it or possibly more constructively, b) find out more so you can help be part of the cure, not the cause.

Now I am off for a pre lunch walk because I practice self-care every day, so I never ever go back to having those thoughts. And anyone who is struggling, reach out. To me, to a loved one, to a colleague, an expert, anyone. People genuinely care and want to help. A global pandemic taught us that if nothing else.